JERUSULEM, ISRAEL - In what is sure to be regarded as the most dramatic technological breakthrough in over 4000 years, an Israeli computer expert has built a computer that "emulates nearly all the functions of a human being."
Dr. Gershon O. David, the computer's creator, made the announcement earlier today at his lab in Hebron.
"I'm truly excited to be able to announce to the world that, at last, after years of failed attempts and modest successes, I have been able to create the world's first computer that thinks and works just like a human being."
Not Quite Human
The computer system demonstrated today, known as the Advanced Data Algorithm Machine, or Adam, is not a complete human being.
"I wanted to focus on the most challenging aspect of humans," Dr. David says, "so I focused on the functions of the heart and mind."
Adam presently exists without a body but, according to an anonymous source, Dr. David has approached Sony Robotics about a suitable design. A Sony Robotics spokesperson refused comment.
"Adam has all the features you would expect of a young adult human male," Dr. David says, "For example, Adam cannot remember birthdays and anniversaries, would rather watch football and play video games than work, and spends about 90% of his CPU cycles thinking about sex and downloading porn."
Among the extensive features list, several stand out as previously unattainable in any computer system to date.
Unlike traditional computers which keep track of millions of concepts at once, Adam has a short-term working memory that can track only about 5 - 8 concepts at once.
Adam also uses a proprietary task scheduler with a unique "get around to it" priority system and has a carefully designed upgrade-proof database system with auto-forget and slow-recall technology standard.
In our limited ability to interact with Adam we noticed that his integrated Help feature operates in a very human-like "if I feel like it" way.
We also discovered, after several failed attempts that resulted in the immediate shutdown of Adam for several minutes, that, unlike regular computers, when entering commands you must use the integrated "Magic Word" technology: Adam commands begin with the word "Please."
Dr. David explained our problems this way, "Naturally, Adam has the full range of human emotions and thoughts. If you make him mad, say by being rude and demanding, he might never interface with you again. Then again, if he likes you he'd give you the chips off his back to help you out. Just like anyone, he gets tired sometimes, too. I had to disable his Hibernation mode over the winter or we would be having this conversation in May instead."
When asked about religion, Dr. David tells us that, "Adam was raised Jewish but, as a modern computer, he is tolerant of other operating systems. He told me just the other day that he admires some things about the Open Source community."
Earlier attempts at creating human-like features began simply. At first, Dr. David was only able to create simple logic elements with basic responses such as pain and hunger. Eventually, he was able to expand those features into more complex abilities, but with that increase in complexity came instability.
"There were an awful lot of reboots during that time. You have no idea how hard it is to see your creations killed off by the relentless Blue Screen of Death day after day," says Dr. David.
When asked about his connection to Sony Robotics, Dr. David replied, "I'm not sure Sony is the right fit for this project. I'd really like to find more human-like robots that would function like any other human member of society. Sony's products are just too reliable to be human. What I'm really looking for is a robot with a bad back."
As for what is next, Dr. David says, "With the success of Adam, I have already begun work on a companion. Using the data feed from Adam's Remote Instantiation Bytestream, or RIB, I have bootstrapped a second computer which will contain an even more complex set of features."
The new system, tentatively named "Eve," for its feature set, "Extended Virtual Emotions," is expected to offer a degree of unpredictability not presently found in the Adam design. "Eve is a bit of a challenge. I haven't really figured her out yet," says Dr. David.
When asked why he is developing a second system rather than upgrading Adam, Dr. David explains, "The technology isn't there yet to hold the full range of human expression in a single system. Also there seem to be some inherent conflicts between the two designs that I can't resolve."
Dr. David's says, "My wish is that one day, I find a nice Jewish manufacturing firm who can make more like Adam and Eve. Adam and Eve are just the prototypes but by then I hope to merge some of the features of both Adam and Eve into a real version 1 product, the Computer Assisted Information Node, or Cain."
Dr. David has big plans for the future and has already identified features for version 2.0 which is to expected to include Advanced Being Emulator Logic, or Abel. "I think, by then, I ought to have most of the bugs worked out."